Month: July 2018

The thoughts and venting of a very anxious potato.

Time for a probably not cohesive text block.

I will get better. I will be okay. I feel like shit for literally every bad thing I’ve ever done in my life and even the little things constantly haunt me. Like the couple of times I stepped on my cat’s foot. Or when I’ve yelled at my kid because ya know, being a mom and all and needing to “put my foot down” but not on my cat’s foot hopefully. Or like the words I say and the things I do that i don’t realize are harmful or toxic until it’s too late and then I feel too anxious to apologize because I feel like I’ll waste that other persons time because I just know in my heart they probably wont forgive me. Or that time that someone bought me something because they cared about me and I didn’t know how to respond because why would anyone spend that kind of money on me. And then sometimes that happens and I thank them too much I think and I feel like I’m just being a really annoying repetitive brat.

And then I start thinking about my art and I’m like…. I work really hard but I still feel like it looks lazy and unfinished and I’m so far behind of everyone else I know who draws pretty much that I feel like I’ll never be up to par. Like I’m always gonna be so far behind why do I even try? It’s so pointless. But then I find times where I have a lot of fun drawing anyway and that all becomes invalid until I feel vulnerable and start doubting and hating myself and wanna just craw in the corner and not die, but also not exist. But that happens less and less so its not bad.

And then I think about how I have disappointed literally everyone I know. Like. I feel like I don’t deserve praise. I feel like I haven’t done anything good. I feel like I’m a constant let down and disappointment.

And yeah. I said potato(in the title). I jokingly refer to myself as a potato due to my severe love of potatoes. They’re honestly the best food ever. You can have some sort of potato with everything. So clearly it’s my way of trying to feel better about myself and make me feel like I can be anything and do anything. Seems really freaking dumb. I know.

I was gonna write more but I actually feel really sick because the weather. It’s so warm my stomach feels like its dying. I’m sorry.